


Your Fault

by orphan_account



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Nonbinary Frisk, POV Second Person, Post-No Mercy Route, Post-Pacifist Route, Post-Soulless Pacifist Route, Reader Is Chara, Reader Is Frisk, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, emetophobia warning for the second paragraph btw, i'm projecting onto them if u can't tell, it switches depending on the chapter, nonbinary chara, reader is sans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-10 08:00:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5577550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It starts out small.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> tfw you read too many suicide fics and trigger yourself so badly you end up writing a suicide fic lmao

It starts out small.

Turning up the temperature in the shower, hotter, hotter, until your skin is red and splotchy and numb. Forcing yourself to throw up so that your insides burn and quiver and ache and your physical body feels as wretched as your soul. Picking at scabs, “accidentally” falling, briefly cutting off the circulation in your fingertips…

You don’t mean for it to go any further, but then you start to crave the pain like nothing you’ve ever felt before.

You steal a needle from Toriel’s sewing kit. It comes with you everywhere you go, whether you’re just absent-mindedly poking at your fingertips or hiding in the bathroom during lunch, sobbing and stabbing your thighs and upper arms. One for each time you killed her, you tell yourself, but eventually you run out and move on. 

Two for Papyrus. It’s not enough. You don’t remember where you got the knife, but it’s bigger, easier, more satisfying. Three for Undyne. Four for Mettaton, five for Asgore, six for Asriel, seven…

Seven for Sans.

Seven for every time you thrust the knife into his chest, seven for every stumbling step he took with the not-really-blood dripping from his ribs, seven for every night he wakes up yelling and throwing magic attacks frantically until Undyne restrains him and he comes to his senses, seven for every time he tells you it’s not your fault even though it is you know it _is_.

It’s your fault. You did this. Without you they’d be fine. They didn’t ask for you to fall into their fucking lives and ruin everything. You should die, end it and you won’t be anyone’s problem anymore. They wouldn’t have to pretend to love you anymore, and you wouldn’t have to keep breathing and existing and _hating_. 

You wouldn’t have to care.

And then you find yourself here.

You don’t know where “here” is, and it’s too dark and your head is too cloudy to find out. There’s grass or something between your toes and everything is wet. Pulling Sans’s jacket tight around you, you press your face harder into your knees and slide the edge of the knife across your thigh again. Chara shudders, and a bubble of shaky laughter escapes your throat. 

You remember now.

You remember telling everyone, after six years free from the underground, about the resets, and Undyne telling you to get the fuck out. You remember waking up on the floor with blood trickling from your hip. You remember Sans, fast asleep, not noticing as you leave, as you steal his jacket and grab your knife and run.

Chara is laughing harder now and you're both crying and you can feel every atom in your body vibrating at the speed of light as you raise your hand and the knife slowly, gently, drags across your throat.


	2. Chapter 2

You notice four things when you wake up.

1\. You don’t have your jacket.  
2\. It’s the middle of the night.  
3\. Frisk is gone.  
4\. There’s a small trail of something that looks scarily like blood leading away from the bed.

“shit,” you mutter as you scramble out of bed, barely managing to stumble into your slippers before taking a shortcut outside. 

“frisk? frisk!” No response. You take shortcut after shortcut, and you don’t even bother to look where you’re going after a while. It doesn’t matter. You don’t know where they are.

Hands shaking, you pull out your phone. Fucking voicemail.

“undyne? undyne, the kid’s missing. frisk’s missing. damnit undyne, wake up! i don’t expect you to forgive them after what happened but for christ’s sake don’t let them die on me.” You’re at the base of Mount Ebott and you’re such a shithead and your goddamn fucking kid is probably bleeding out on a park bench somewhere but you’ve looked everywhere and you’re _losing your damn mind_ —

That’s when you see it. There’s someone sitting under a tree, someone small, laughing and crying and wriggling their toes in the grass. Except, it doesn’t even look like grass anymore. Grass isn’t soaked so red it’s black like whatever they’re sitting in. And they’re wearing your jacket.

You hang up without another word.

If you hadn’t started running right then, your knees would have caved. Air catches in the throat you don’t have and you can’t see but you keep running anyway. 

They must have seen you because they try to get up, but they fall over almost immediately. You’re not religious by any means but the moment they start throwing up, you pray to every deity you’ve ever heard of that it’s not them. But then you’re next to them and you recognize the laugh and the scarring on their thighs, and if you had a heart, you’re pretty sure it would’ve stopped right about now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm tired and sans is hard to write but i wanted to have this chapter over with


	3. Chapter 3

It’s barely more than a paper cut. You’re a little disappointed with yourself, to be honest.

_If we had chosen a gun for this I could have called us a glocktease_ , Chara giggles at you from inside your shared head. The laughter grows louder, more manic, until you can’t control it anymore and you’re not even sure it’s just Chara. 

“damnit, undyne!” someone yells from off to your right. You snap your head around and right away you wish you hadn’t because everything goes black for a second and your brain hurts so much you can’t feel it. But then your vision clears and you’re laughing again and it’s Sans, and he’s staring at you with his teeth gritted and eyes dark like you’ve only seen once before in this timeline. 

“Fuck,” Chara sputters out loud, or you do, or both, you don’t care anymore and you try to run but your heart is too fast and you can’t, your sight is gone and your lungs are full of clay and it’s in your nose and your stomach is in your throat and then, It’s gone and then, your face is dripping with something that smells like acid and,

And then you’re quiet. 

Then, suddenly, the hilarity of the whole situation hits you, and it’s not funny at all, and the chuckling comes back in, low and quiet, hiccuping laughter and choking on your own vomit. It’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen and you can’t stop crying.

And the knife went all the way through your arm.

Sans is next to you now, on his knees and wheezing. You think you’re still throwing up but you can’t be sure. Either way, you can’t talk. You can’t think. If you could just stop fucking _spinning_ then maybe you could but you can’t and all of a sudden you’re on your side, you think, or at least you feel a rock poking into your ribs so you assume that’s the part of you that’s touching the ground, and your head is in a bony lap.

He’s talking to you but it’s so dark you can’t hear.

“load.. file…” he says (probably).

“No, can’t-”

“ _please_ , kid,” you hear. You wish you hadn’t. He sounds… weak. 

You don’t wanna load, you probably can’t. Why can’t he just let you go? If he hadn’t shown up you would be fine, you could just die unnoticed. But with all three Sanses staring down at you like that (why won’t they stop moving??) you can’t just leave it—leave _him_ —like this.

_o k_ , you fingerspell, since that’s the only part of you you think you can move right now, and it looks like Sans is nodding.

With the last scrap of determination you can muster, you pull yourself back to your last save file. Chara’s all-too-familiar flashback plays, and when you fall back into yourself, you’re sitting on a well worn-out green sofa.

Sans is already staring at you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hell hell hell hell HELL i'm in brain hell rn sorry not sorry


	4. Chapter 4

Three days ago. You don’t remember saving here, but what the fuck. Papyrus is cooking ravioli in the other room and singing under his breath. 

Your feet are propped up on the coffee table the way Toriel hates. You’re leaning back on the couch, right hand resting behind your head. The left is casually driving a needle into your leg.

Some Spanish soap opera is playing on the TV. The first time you were here, Sans was shouting at some character (even though you’re pretty sure he doesn’t speak Spanish). This time, though, he’s just staring at you.

His eyes aren’t dark anymore, but his pained smile is gone. Now he's just frowning. You don't think you've ever seen him do that before.

“what… what the hell was that?”

That’s all it takes for you to burst. The needle clatters to the ground and you throw your unraveling self onto him and stuff your face into his jacket, and you’re whimpering and blubbering as quiet as you can—please god don’t let Papyrus see you—and maybe you’re not dying from blood loss anymore but you’re still so damn _tired_.

“It’s all my fault, I made you this way, I fucked you up and you can’t even sleep anymore because of me without thinking you’re dead or dying and I ruined all of you, stop lying to me I know you’re lying I know you hate me you can say it, you’d be better off if I was dead, don’t tell Mom what I did please she can’t know I died…” You sniffle, and then your speech fades into sobs.

“kiddo…” he pauses, his voice strained, and you’re so thankful you don’t have to look at his face right now because you think that might break you. “frisk. why didn’t you, i dunno, _tell_ someone? you coulda told me you were feeling this way. i’m not good at this shit, but that doesn’t mean you just bottle it up until it does _that_ to ya.” He takes a deep breath.

“look, kid. we don’t hate you. none of us, not even undyne. well, i guess that hasn’t happened yet now but she won’t hate you even after you tell her. we love you, kid. it’s just… how would _you_ react if someone you love and trust tells you they’ve been fucking manipulating time behind their back?”

You nod solemnly.

“she just needs time. all of us do. ‘cept maybe papyrus.” Sans waves his hand in the general direction of the kitchen. “but hey. that’s not the answer. two wrongs don’t make a right, kiddo. i know it’s not that simple, but there are people who can help you. ok?” You nod your head into San’s shoulder.

“Just don’t tell Mom, please,” you beg, and Sans seems to understand. She has good intentions, but… she wouldn’t help.

“not yet,” he mutters.

“Thank you.”

The two of you sit in silence for another few minutes, Sans rubbing your back while you cry softly, until Papyrus bursts out of the kitchen with a plate of ravioli.

“GREETINGS, HUMAN! WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY MY—what do you call it—RAVIOLI?? I PUT EXTRA PARMESAN ON IT JUST FOR YOU!” He taps your nose and you can’t help but laugh a little. His expression shifts slightly as he realizes you had been crying, but Sans puts his finger over his lips and Papyrus gets the hint. You pretend you didn’t notice.

“Thanks, Papyrus.” You take the ravioli and hug him tight (which is somewhat difficult since he’s so _thin_ ). He chuckles slightly and wraps one arm around you, and you begin to think that maybe, just maybe, Sans had a point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really don't know how i feel about this chapter writing-wise but i do feel a lot better after writing this. 
> 
> also i couldn't not have papyrus discover ravioli, i mean come on it's perfect.
> 
> i may write a sequel to this fic at some point (actually it's really likely that i will) so stick around if you want. or wait until i have another manic episode, that works too. anyway, thanks for reading this and please let me know what you think!!


End file.
